Thursday, June 12, 2014

The 6 Steps to Cleaning Your Breast Pump Parts in Public

1. Make sure lots and lots of men are in the area. This is especially important, so that they can stare down the plastic horns that fit over your nipples, imagining where they go. Although they probably aren't looking at or imagining anything, you totally think they are and therefore try to hunch over said horns while rinsing them.

2. If you're relegated to a women's restroom, master the awkward look-up from what you're doing while other women emerge from the stalls to wash their hands. Say "Hi" as a reflex, not loud enough for them to hear so that they only see your lips open for a second and wonder what the hell is wrong with you.

3. The first few times, use special breast pump soap and a bottle brush. Scrub that shit somethin fierce. Then spend the next few minutes drying the parts off with several paper towels. Then realize you're putting way too much work into this.

4. Now that you've mastered #s 1, 2 and 3, you can move on to not using soap at all, rinsing the parts quickly in the hottest water you can stand, rubbing them and drying at the same time with just one paper towel and still getting them hella clean.

5. The best step of all: You stop giving a fuck who sees your boob horns.

6. This is really the best step: You linger long enough and smile at the women walking past, long enough for them to say, on several occasions, "Oh, I remember those days." And their smiles will make you feel better about the awkwardness that is being milked three times a day. You'll realize that those moms who have been there are really thinking, "Great job. What you're doing is really important for your baby." You might even talk long enough to tell them how your baby is doing.

And then you smile and not much else matters. Never mind the men.

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